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| 1. | A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. |
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| 2. | A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. |
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| 3. | A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? |
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| 4. | Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. |
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| 5. | I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. |
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| 6. | I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. |
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| 7. | I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. |
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| 8. | I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. |
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| 9. | I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. |
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| 10. | I have to much money invested in sweaters. |
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| 11. | I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar! |
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| 12. | I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. |
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| 13. | I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. |
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| 14. | If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. |
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| 15. | If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. |
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| 16. | If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. |
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| 17. | If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. |
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| 18. | Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. |
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| 19. | Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. |
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| 20. | Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. |
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| 21. | My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. |
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| 22. | People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. |
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| 23. | She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. |
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| 24. | The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. |
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| 25. | The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. |
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| 26. | The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. |
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| 27. | They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood. |
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| 28. | When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. |
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| 29. | When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. |
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| 30. | When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. |
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| 31. | You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. |
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| 32. | You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. |
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| 33. | You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. |
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| 34. | You've got to be rich to have a swing like that. |
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